My Top Ten (for today)

If you weren't here yesterday, you might be surprised to know I'm not here today. Today I should be hanging out with my husband and long time friends at the fall staff summit for the northeast region of military ministry branch of The Navigators (try to say that a few times fast). By the end of the day I'll feel like I couldn't possibly eat another bite of anything, but of course, I will continue to eat what is placed in front of me.


Today Cinda Johnson is "blog-sitting" for me. I think I found her through a website called The Secrets In The Sauce. This is a great networking site. If you haven't discovered it, check it out. You'll know someone is part of this site if you see them leave messages about "SITs."



Anyway, over time Cinda and I have learned more about each other and traded "off-blog" emails. She has numerous degrees in the area of special education and teaching college students. She and her adult daughter wrote a book together and have speaking engagements. You'll have to check out her site to find out more about her and her daughter.


Thank you, Corrie, for the kind introduction! And thank you for giving me the opportunity to post on your blog! AHHH, the Power! Just thinking about where I could go with this makes me heady!! But then, darn, I remember that you are a mother. A know-all, see-all perceptive mother. This, with bravery, stamina, loyalty and old-fashioned love makes a mom a formidable force of nature. Look at Corrie! She was the original initiator for me to blog more often. She READ my blog! She commented. She took me on as a friend. WHILE raising three children and loving one from afar, sending continuous support all the way to Spain. Mom's (and dads) are completely awesome. Where am I going with this posting? Well, as professor and program director of a grad program teaching future school psychologists, counselors, special ed teachers, an occasional principal or two, and literacy specialist I really stress parent partnership and parents as the experts. I am a mom of two daughters and I get it. But now that one of my daughters has a significant mental health condition I really, really get it. As a professional and now a mom baptized by the fire of overwhelming love and fear I really do "get it". May I humbly offer my top ten words of advice for parents as they work with schools and professional and all manner of people who know better than you (kidding!!)? Read no further if the answer is NO.

1. You are the expert. No matter what. You know more than any other person alive about your child other than your child. Be confident in that fact.

2. Be honest with your child. If there is a disability, be honest about this as well. Be age appropriate and developmentally competent, of course, but talk to you child about their strengths, the things you love most about them, and also things that are hard for them. If there is a diagnosis, give it to them. We are in a new age where we use the correct terms for body parts for our two year olds. Don't shy away from the words that are on the documents. Give your child power!



3. Include your child as much as possible in professional meetings. Having a child (even an eight-year old) at an IEP meeting for the first 10 minutes sets a different tone for the entire meeting. It reminds us that we are having a meeting for this very precious child. A real little person. Not a test score or two on a pile of papers.



4. Find yourself an advocate and not necessarily a professional one. Do this even if you don't really need one. Someone that can help you if things go sideways. Then, teach your child to find an advocate for her or himself as well. It comes in handy. Who would you go to TODAY if life fell out from under you? Who would you take into a doctor appointment if you were too frightened, angry, or sad to listen and understand? Teach your child the skills to do this for him or herself.



5. Build on strengths. What makes your child joyous? What (healthy) activities can he or she sustain? What do others notice as the best of your child? Make sure every teacher that works with your child starts from here.


6. Teach your child to problem-solve with you. Age appropriately, of course! Side-note: I taught a class on teaching self-determination to children with disabilities to a room full of teachers and one of them went back and told her class of 14 year-olds, "Okay, you guys all have IEPs and disabilities and you need to start speaking up for yourselves." I threw her out to sea without a paddle. Anyway, problem solving, the ability to speak out for yourself and be "self-determined" is built on these principals: Know yourself, Value Yourself, Make Decision Based on this Knowledge, and finally, Have a Plan, Follow and Revise the Plan, Celebrate! We must actively teach and model problem solving. Research shows that children do not learn this through osmosis.



7. Make darn sure that you have a plan from high school to life after high school. For students with IEPs, this is a transition plan, by law beginning at age 14, 16 in some states. For kids without disabilities, we should help them with the questions, "Where are you going? What do you need to get you there?"




8. This is a hard one and something that I am currently discussing on my own blog. Have you thought about an advance medical directive? Did you realize that at age 18, NO MATTER WHAT, your child becomes emancipated and if something were to happen you will not be able to make decisions for their care? Just like the conversation we have with our spouses and partners we need to address this with our adolescents. Very, very scary when things go wrong. (See my blog for more info)


9. Take exceptionally good care of yourself. For your children you will provide a model of self-care that means way more than just talking. Just ask me, I did not do a good job at this!

10. Take exceptionally good care of yourself. You will pass out before you can get the oxygen mask on your child if you do not put it on yourself first.



Moms, you are amazing. We could change the world. I used to sign all my emails and notes to my daughter Linea, when she was ill as, "Wolf Mother". Then I found out there was a band by this name so I quit out of fear of getting sued. Dads, equally fabulous. Parents and families, whatever the definition for individual children, you are the hope for our kids. Sometimes the only hope. Again, thank you, Corrie, for the opportunity to blog-out ( is that a word) to your millions of fans! I am so honored.