On the Outside Looking In

I'm not here today. If you haven't been following me since Friday, my husband and I went on a retreat to some monastery in Pennsylvania. Today my husband will have to wheel me out on a luggage cart because of all the delicious food I've eaten over the weekend. But before that we'll spend one more session with all of our long time friends before we say "good-bye" for another six months. Our friends share a mutual ministry to the military through The Navigators. These full-time and part-time staff members will be returning to bases in Ohio, Virginia, Delaware, Pennsylvania, Maryland, the Pentagon and the two academies, West Point and the U.S. Naval Academy.  

So as I'm driving home, Accidental Expert is "blog-sitting" for me today. Don't you just love her name! I wish I was clever enough to think of that name. But she still had it long before I started blogging. Her site is called, Raising Complicated Kids. I think we've been following each other since pretty close to when I began in August, give or take a few weeks. It was her post on another site which motivated my oldest son, Joshua to write about being a sibling to child with special needs. 

Wow!  What an introduction.  Hope I can live up to the hype. Thanks so much Corrie for letting me do this guest post.  


If you don't know me, I have four beautiful children, including eleven-year-old twins.  These are my complicated children -- hence the name of my blog.  My son has Asperger's Syndrome and Bipolar and his twin sister Bipolar and ADHD.  In my blog, I talk about many of the issues, feelings and, yes,  also the blessings that come along with raising complicated kids.


I've been thinking all week of what I would write about today.  Inspiration has been eluding me lately, with me struggling all week with a subject worthy of sharing.  That is until today.

This morning I find two topics weighing heavily on my heart. If you follow my blog you may have read my recent post on suicide and Autism, The Most Important Thanks of All.  Of the many who left their thoughts, it was quickly pointed out that suicide is not just confined to young people with autism, but to children with a number of other issues as well.

This is disturbing to me on so many levels.  I think of my own children.  If I peel away all their difficulties and behavior, I see some pretty amazing kids.  Kids with so much to give back to the world they live in.  If only given the chance.

But therein lies the rub.  For my son with autism, he is seen by many as weird or rude or dumb.  He is too often discounted because no one takes the time or effort to delve deeper.  Teachers, family and friends alike seem blinded to his amazing ability to think outside the box.  To his unique brilliance. And yes, his empathy and kindness.

As for my daughter, her issues are less visible, with people ignoring them and placing unrealistic expectations on my struggling child.  Instead words like lazy and defiant and disorganized are often used to define her.  If only she was understood, those same critics would see her amazing passion, kindness and caring.

My children have very different issues, yet they have one important feature in common. Both find themselves on the outside looking in.   They have the misfortune of being born to a world that is inexplicably foreign, incredibly hostile.  They desperately yearn for acceptance but all too often get condemnation and confusion instead.  This brings about the overwhelming isolation that so tragically can lead a child -- one with so much potential -- to consider taking his or her own life.

And this segways into my second theme.  Recently, I read a horrible story about a teenage boy with Asperger's shot to death by a policeman inside his school.  Not many details have surfaced yet, but it seems this boy was bullied repeatedly.  So badly he went as far as carrying a knife in his backpack for protection.

Unfortunately, this case of bullying is far from isolated. My own son was traumatized by continuous bullying at school.  As recently as last month it continued   The most gut-wrenching part of the whole situation is that I had no idea.  Given his difficulties in social situations, language and identifying his emotions he had a hard time communicating his pain to me. As a mom, this caused me indescribable grief -- with a good dose of guilt, helplessness and anger mixed in for good measure.

Turns out I'm not alone.  If you scan the many blogs out there you will find that these kids are such easy targets.   A disturbing, yet eye-opening article, Will Your Child Die From Bullying? goes over this horrid reality and offers much information on the whys, hows and the what-to-dos.

It is in this article I read some alarming statistics.  BeatBullying.org reports that: 

• 10% were bullied for more than a year
• 16% were bullied everyday
• 5% were bullied 2 or 3 times a week

Of those young people being bullied:

• 9% report having suicidal thoughts
• 12% admit to having self-harmed
• 5% said that being bullied "made them run away from home or want to run away"
• 1% admitted taking drugs to try and feel better
• 2% admitted drinking alcohol in order to feel better

                                      (Beatbullying’s Policy and Research team, 2007)

I am left to ask why?  What is it about our society that shuns the unique, pokes fun at the different? What is it about our children that encourage them to prey on the weak? In a time where entitlement rules, instant gratification is king and having money trumps all, I have to ask:

"What ever happened to good old-fashioned virtues?  Ones like compassion, empathy and social justice?"

Unfortunately I don't have the answers to my own queries.  Instead I leave each of you with these questions as thoughts to ponder.  Alone we cannot change the world.  However, if each of us can look at our own attitudes and those of our children, there is hope that tomorrow will look much different than today.