Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Thanks for extended family and support

This week of Thanksgiving I'm going to start early. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for all the support and community I have in  my life. First, I'm so thankful for my newest community of support, my fellow bloggers. Thank you, Nancy, Cinda and Accidental Expert for your excellent posts while I was gone on my retreat this weekend. Whether you are a regular who didn't have a chance to read their blogs, or first time visitors, you should check out their wonderfully thoughtful and informative posts beginning on Friday, November 20th.

Next, I'm overwhelmed with the extended family I have through The Navigators, with whom my husband and I spent the weekend. Here's our "family picture" of this weekend.

Although my husband has known most of these people for thirty years, I've only known them about ten. Each person in this picture (and some who are not) I could tell a story of how they've impacted my life during one of these twice a year weekend retreats.

Actually, the first couple I'm writing about I met on my wedding day. For our wedding, they drove from the state Washington to the tip of Maryland which sits out in the Chesapeake Bay. They stood in line for almost two hours in the reception line to hug us. (The line was very slow moving because this was the first time for many family and friends to meet Scott or myself ). This couple said to me, "We've been praying for you for twenty years, we are glad to finally meet you."

The current leader of this group drove down from Pennsylvania one weekend and sat on our couch and listened to, encouraged and prayed for us at the lowest point in our church's history, a time when my husband was facing a year without a pastor, a membership which had shrunk from 120 to 50 and barely enough funds to pay the  mortgage and utilities. The previous leader was the most brilliant man I've every known. He was killed in a hit and run accident. Approximately, one thousand people from France to the Philippines came to his funeral. And when asked how many had sat across the table and shared a meal or a cup of coffee with him, nearly 900 people stood. I could go on and on and on about each person in this picture and others who are not. It is amazing to me that we only see each other twice a year during this retreat and yet we pick up with each other's lives as if we've never been apart.

When Scott and I returned home, I was further overwhelmed by the extended family we left behind. You see, the band who plays music during our Sunday worship services had decided to rearrange where they stand on stage. And these precious people thought about Jonathan and how this might throw a little guy who doesn't like change...especially on a weekend when mom and dad wouldn't be coming to church with him. So they called us during the week to give us the opportunity to prepare Jonathan. Then one person sat behind Jonathan to keep and eye on him to make sure he was okay.

When we went into church last night for a quarterly time of gathering to sing our favorite songs and pray for one another, we were greeted as if we'd been gone longer than one day. Furthermore, the pastor publicly thank Scott for his friendship over the nearly three years since he arrived, which means a lot to mean knowing how difficult some of the times were before he arrived and how my husband held the church together. Even his own wife was begging him to abandon ship like all the others. I'm so thankful Scott was the "good Naval officer and was willing to go down with the ship" (as I often accused him during those dark times) because he had enough faith in the Lord to keep us going in the dark times.

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This is my father-in-law. I love this picture of him and Jonathan, because it says it all to me. Jonathan and Dad Howe are like two peas in a pod. They have the same quirky personality. Dad eats peanut butter toast every morning for breakfast. Jonathan eats peanut butter and jelly for lunch without fail. They both have wonderful relationships with their sisters. They both play subtle practical jokes. They both enjoy a good laugh.

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Who are your extended families and communities? I'd love for you to leave one of your memories in my comments today so that I can read about them.

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On the Outside Looking In

I'm not here today. If you haven't been following me since Friday, my husband and I went on a retreat to some monastery in Pennsylvania. Today my husband will have to wheel me out on a luggage cart because of all the delicious food I've eaten over the weekend. But before that we'll spend one more session with all of our long time friends before we say "good-bye" for another six months. Our friends share a mutual ministry to the military through The Navigators. These full-time and part-time staff members will be returning to bases in Ohio, Virginia, Delaware, Pennsylvania, Maryland, the Pentagon and the two academies, West Point and the U.S. Naval Academy.  

So as I'm driving home, Accidental Expert is "blog-sitting" for me today. Don't you just love her name! I wish I was clever enough to think of that name. But she still had it long before I started blogging. Her site is called, Raising Complicated Kids. I think we've been following each other since pretty close to when I began in August, give or take a few weeks. It was her post on another site which motivated my oldest son, Joshua to write about being a sibling to child with special needs. 

Wow!  What an introduction.  Hope I can live up to the hype. Thanks so much Corrie for letting me do this guest post.  


If you don't know me, I have four beautiful children, including eleven-year-old twins.  These are my complicated children -- hence the name of my blog.  My son has Asperger's Syndrome and Bipolar and his twin sister Bipolar and ADHD.  In my blog, I talk about many of the issues, feelings and, yes,  also the blessings that come along with raising complicated kids.


I've been thinking all week of what I would write about today.  Inspiration has been eluding me lately, with me struggling all week with a subject worthy of sharing.  That is until today.

This morning I find two topics weighing heavily on my heart. If you follow my blog you may have read my recent post on suicide and Autism, The Most Important Thanks of All.  Of the many who left their thoughts, it was quickly pointed out that suicide is not just confined to young people with autism, but to children with a number of other issues as well.

This is disturbing to me on so many levels.  I think of my own children.  If I peel away all their difficulties and behavior, I see some pretty amazing kids.  Kids with so much to give back to the world they live in.  If only given the chance.

But therein lies the rub.  For my son with autism, he is seen by many as weird or rude or dumb.  He is too often discounted because no one takes the time or effort to delve deeper.  Teachers, family and friends alike seem blinded to his amazing ability to think outside the box.  To his unique brilliance. And yes, his empathy and kindness.

As for my daughter, her issues are less visible, with people ignoring them and placing unrealistic expectations on my struggling child.  Instead words like lazy and defiant and disorganized are often used to define her.  If only she was understood, those same critics would see her amazing passion, kindness and caring.

My children have very different issues, yet they have one important feature in common. Both find themselves on the outside looking in.   They have the misfortune of being born to a world that is inexplicably foreign, incredibly hostile.  They desperately yearn for acceptance but all too often get condemnation and confusion instead.  This brings about the overwhelming isolation that so tragically can lead a child -- one with so much potential -- to consider taking his or her own life.

And this segways into my second theme.  Recently, I read a horrible story about a teenage boy with Asperger's shot to death by a policeman inside his school.  Not many details have surfaced yet, but it seems this boy was bullied repeatedly.  So badly he went as far as carrying a knife in his backpack for protection.

Unfortunately, this case of bullying is far from isolated. My own son was traumatized by continuous bullying at school.  As recently as last month it continued   The most gut-wrenching part of the whole situation is that I had no idea.  Given his difficulties in social situations, language and identifying his emotions he had a hard time communicating his pain to me. As a mom, this caused me indescribable grief -- with a good dose of guilt, helplessness and anger mixed in for good measure.

Turns out I'm not alone.  If you scan the many blogs out there you will find that these kids are such easy targets.   A disturbing, yet eye-opening article, Will Your Child Die From Bullying? goes over this horrid reality and offers much information on the whys, hows and the what-to-dos.

It is in this article I read some alarming statistics.  BeatBullying.org reports that: 

• 10% were bullied for more than a year
• 16% were bullied everyday
• 5% were bullied 2 or 3 times a week

Of those young people being bullied:

• 9% report having suicidal thoughts
• 12% admit to having self-harmed
• 5% said that being bullied "made them run away from home or want to run away"
• 1% admitted taking drugs to try and feel better
• 2% admitted drinking alcohol in order to feel better

                                      (Beatbullying’s Policy and Research team, 2007)

I am left to ask why?  What is it about our society that shuns the unique, pokes fun at the different? What is it about our children that encourage them to prey on the weak? In a time where entitlement rules, instant gratification is king and having money trumps all, I have to ask:

"What ever happened to good old-fashioned virtues?  Ones like compassion, empathy and social justice?"

Unfortunately I don't have the answers to my own queries.  Instead I leave each of you with these questions as thoughts to ponder.  Alone we cannot change the world.  However, if each of us can look at our own attitudes and those of our children, there is hope that tomorrow will look much different than today.

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My Top Ten (for today)

If you weren't here yesterday, you might be surprised to know I'm not here today. Today I should be hanging out with my husband and long time friends at the fall staff summit for the northeast region of military ministry branch of The Navigators (try to say that a few times fast). By the end of the day I'll feel like I couldn't possibly eat another bite of anything, but of course, I will continue to eat what is placed in front of me.


Today Cinda Johnson is "blog-sitting" for me. I think I found her through a website called The Secrets In The Sauce. This is a great networking site. If you haven't discovered it, check it out. You'll know someone is part of this site if you see them leave messages about "SITs."



Anyway, over time Cinda and I have learned more about each other and traded "off-blog" emails. She has numerous degrees in the area of special education and teaching college students. She and her adult daughter wrote a book together and have speaking engagements. You'll have to check out her site to find out more about her and her daughter.


Thank you, Corrie, for the kind introduction! And thank you for giving me the opportunity to post on your blog! AHHH, the Power! Just thinking about where I could go with this makes me heady!! But then, darn, I remember that you are a mother. A know-all, see-all perceptive mother. This, with bravery, stamina, loyalty and old-fashioned love makes a mom a formidable force of nature. Look at Corrie! She was the original initiator for me to blog more often. She READ my blog! She commented. She took me on as a friend. WHILE raising three children and loving one from afar, sending continuous support all the way to Spain. Mom's (and dads) are completely awesome. Where am I going with this posting? Well, as professor and program director of a grad program teaching future school psychologists, counselors, special ed teachers, an occasional principal or two, and literacy specialist I really stress parent partnership and parents as the experts. I am a mom of two daughters and I get it. But now that one of my daughters has a significant mental health condition I really, really get it. As a professional and now a mom baptized by the fire of overwhelming love and fear I really do "get it". May I humbly offer my top ten words of advice for parents as they work with schools and professional and all manner of people who know better than you (kidding!!)? Read no further if the answer is NO.

1. You are the expert. No matter what. You know more than any other person alive about your child other than your child. Be confident in that fact.

2. Be honest with your child. If there is a disability, be honest about this as well. Be age appropriate and developmentally competent, of course, but talk to you child about their strengths, the things you love most about them, and also things that are hard for them. If there is a diagnosis, give it to them. We are in a new age where we use the correct terms for body parts for our two year olds. Don't shy away from the words that are on the documents. Give your child power!



3. Include your child as much as possible in professional meetings. Having a child (even an eight-year old) at an IEP meeting for the first 10 minutes sets a different tone for the entire meeting. It reminds us that we are having a meeting for this very precious child. A real little person. Not a test score or two on a pile of papers.



4. Find yourself an advocate and not necessarily a professional one. Do this even if you don't really need one. Someone that can help you if things go sideways. Then, teach your child to find an advocate for her or himself as well. It comes in handy. Who would you go to TODAY if life fell out from under you? Who would you take into a doctor appointment if you were too frightened, angry, or sad to listen and understand? Teach your child the skills to do this for him or herself.



5. Build on strengths. What makes your child joyous? What (healthy) activities can he or she sustain? What do others notice as the best of your child? Make sure every teacher that works with your child starts from here.


6. Teach your child to problem-solve with you. Age appropriately, of course! Side-note: I taught a class on teaching self-determination to children with disabilities to a room full of teachers and one of them went back and told her class of 14 year-olds, "Okay, you guys all have IEPs and disabilities and you need to start speaking up for yourselves." I threw her out to sea without a paddle. Anyway, problem solving, the ability to speak out for yourself and be "self-determined" is built on these principals: Know yourself, Value Yourself, Make Decision Based on this Knowledge, and finally, Have a Plan, Follow and Revise the Plan, Celebrate! We must actively teach and model problem solving. Research shows that children do not learn this through osmosis.



7. Make darn sure that you have a plan from high school to life after high school. For students with IEPs, this is a transition plan, by law beginning at age 14, 16 in some states. For kids without disabilities, we should help them with the questions, "Where are you going? What do you need to get you there?"




8. This is a hard one and something that I am currently discussing on my own blog. Have you thought about an advance medical directive? Did you realize that at age 18, NO MATTER WHAT, your child becomes emancipated and if something were to happen you will not be able to make decisions for their care? Just like the conversation we have with our spouses and partners we need to address this with our adolescents. Very, very scary when things go wrong. (See my blog for more info)


9. Take exceptionally good care of yourself. For your children you will provide a model of self-care that means way more than just talking. Just ask me, I did not do a good job at this!

10. Take exceptionally good care of yourself. You will pass out before you can get the oxygen mask on your child if you do not put it on yourself first.



Moms, you are amazing. We could change the world. I used to sign all my emails and notes to my daughter Linea, when she was ill as, "Wolf Mother". Then I found out there was a band by this name so I quit out of fear of getting sued. Dads, equally fabulous. Parents and families, whatever the definition for individual children, you are the hope for our kids. Sometimes the only hope. Again, thank you, Corrie, for the opportunity to blog-out ( is that a word) to your millions of fans! I am so honored.

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Guest Post: Thin Places

Today I'm on my way to a monastery somewhere in Pennsylvania with my husband. I don't know where because my husband is a navigator in many senses of the word. He's a trained airplane navigator, a ship navigator, a fleet navigator and personal vehicle navigator. Ironically, we are headed to a Navigator staff summit. The Navigators is an international ministry organization my husband has been with for approximately three decades. I guess the organizers of this twice a year weekend really want to make sure we "retreat" because there is no Internet connection. In fact, there is no hair dryer in the room, no coffee pot, and no TV. The site is beautiful. The food is wonderful and the interaction with our peers is priceless.


I've arranged for a few blogging friends to "blog-sit" my baby while I'm gone. Today I'm happy to introduce Nancy Campbell. She is the reason I'm here today. We have a mutual friend who told me one day about Nancy wanting to get into a writing business and how she is blogging. I had been thinking about  writing a book to tell tales of Jonathan, but I was not brave enough to start. I thought a blog might serve my purposes. Wa La! Nancy became my second follower after our mutual friend. She's been a great encouragement to me since the beginning. I hope you enjoy her writing as much as I do. (P.S. My parents are baby-sitting my kids, lest you think I wasn't as attentive to my own biological children.)

I recently read Nadia Bolz-Weber's post about All Saints Sunday on her blog, Sarcastic Lutheran. She talks about the concept of "Thin Places."  I'll quote her directly, because my attempts to paraphrase would be, simply put, an abomination:

There’s a beautiful concept within Celtic thought called the Thin Places.  These are places where the veil between heaven and earth, human and divine, temporal and eternal, the now and the not yet is especially thin. Where we experience that which is beyond linear time and the limits of our 5 senses.  A thin place can be an actual place like the mountain tops and deserts of the biblical prophets or it can be an event like the birth of a child or the death of a loved one or for myself, the 4-part harmonic a capella singing of Amazing Grace.

I've written about this before, but I'll it bears repeating: writing helps me see the thin places. Sometimes, I have to look really, really, really hard, because I'm tired or cranky or the kids are being difficult. But, the act of looking is in and of itself an act of grace, a reminder to look for the beautiful, to turn the dross to gold. 


When I set an intention to look for the thin places (or "material" as I usually call it,) it's always there. My boys, or nature, or the act of solitude provides moments of transcendence. The veil between this life and the next becomes gossamer and transparent, and I see God. 


I don't mean that I see God as a vision of a man with a beard, or anything like that. Rather, I see the almost overwhelming beauty of this world, and I am flooded with gratitude. 


Today, my "thin places" were: 

*Watching fifteen-month old Joel's eyes as he zoomed down the slide. I could see them flash from fear to utter delight in an instant. Experience trumps fear, once again. 


*My toddler, Owen, was sitting by the back fence, feeding our neighbor's chickens bits of grass. "Here chicky, chicky!" he cried. "Let me take care of you!" 


*Owen laid in bed with me this morning, gently running his fingers through my hair. "So soft," he said. 

*As I sit here right now, I see a tree, brilliant orange, standing beautiful and proud, although all the other trees have surrendered their leaves for another season.  On some days, I am that tree. On other days, I am stripped bare, and ever-so-grateful to see that tree. 


The thin places lift my soul, daily. What were your thin places today? 

***
Nancy Campbell writes about one husband, two sons, and a great deal of foolishness at Away We Go. 


Thanks, Nancy. Don't you love how she puts words together and build images and experiences? I never come away from her blog without a new image imprinted in my mind...some thoughtful, some pleasing and some snarky.


Well, obviously I won't be reading and commenting on blogs this weekend. I hope that you'll come back tomorrow for a special education professor's suggestions to parents.

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Lot's of Love

Because I'm trying to have shorter posts and I want to forward a bunch of Blog Awards, I'm going to give you another one of Jonathan's Purple Man marketing plans. He's designed all his characters for a Lego set.

Isn't Jonathan a scream? He's shown all of his characters from all four sides. His brain fascinates me. Since the drawings are small (even in the originals), it might be hard to appreciate just how much these guys look like Lego characters.

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I've been so very behind on acknowledging and forwarding blog awards. I'm so, so, so sorry. It is not that I don't appreciate the awards or the people who give them too me. So please forgive me. Maybe Amanda at Martinis or Diaper Genies ought to add this to her list of blogging etiquette (or I think she should re-title her post to "How to Make Followers and Influence Commenters"). 

Thank you Ms. Bibi at From Misery to Happiness in 365 Days for the lemonade award.

I pass it on to the following:

Cinda at Cinda

Jen at Laughing at Chaos

Jess at Diary of a Mom

Marit at Complete

Megan at Bipolar daughter and family who loves her

Next from Holly and Charisse at Life Laugh Latte I received the My Friends Award

I forward it on to

Hot Flash Queen at Headaches, Hotflashes and Hormones.

Mom at Mom's Place

Deb at Menopausal New Mom

Trac at Welcome to Our World

Nancy a Away We Go

Next Tami from Hearts Make Families sent me One Lovely Blog Award

I'm forwarding it to 

Nancy at If Evolution Really Worked

Helene at I'm Living Proof that God Has A Sense of Humor

Stacie at Super Mommy to the Rescue

Andi at Misadventures with Andi

Nezzy at Cow Patty Surprise

Last, but not least I received Honest Scrap from Jen at Following the Footsteps.

To which I forward onto

Daffy at BATCRAP CRAZY

Travis at One Word, One Rung, One Day

"m" at the incipient turvy

Ms. Bibi at From Misery to Happiness in 365 Days

Olga at Twinspirational Runner

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Homework Battle #4

Counselor: I asked Jonathan to come back next week with examples of three social skills and why they are important. He didn't give me too hard of a time.

Jonathan: I'm not doing it.

Counselor: Why not?

Jonathan: Because it's homework. I already have enough homework, I don't need more.

Counselor: Well, you don't have to write anything down, let's just talk about it.

Jonathan: Not going to do it.

Counselor: Well, we'll see.

Following week

Me: Jonathan wouldn't even discuss social skills with  me.

Counselor: Why not?

Jonathan: I told you I wasn't doing it. It's homework. I already get homework from school.

Counselor: We'll let's go back. We'll see if you get any computer time or not today.

One hour later

Me: So did he talk about social skills?

Counselor: No, but he did display a lot of them tonight.

* * * * * * * * *

Same subject: different day

Jonathan: (full rant) I hate homework! Why do I have to do school work at home? Why can't I just do school work at school?

Me: (heavy sigh) Are we going to have this battle every night through 12th grade when you graduate?

Jonathan: Pretty much.

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Huh? I walked in from the garage to see this amazing site! It's Sunday. It's Sunday morning. Jonathan is sitting down with a book open and writing answers from the book onto a piece of paper. What miracle do I see here?

Me: Jonathan, what are you doing?

Jonathan: My homework.

Me: Your homework?

Jonathan: Yes. Sunday School homework.

Me: You are doing homework on your own.

Jonathan: Yes.

Me: Why?

Jonathan: If I turn it in, we put more marbles in the jar. As soon as the jar is full, we'll get a prize. Something like a pizza party or ice cream party.

Me: (Widgets turning in my head to see about instituting something similar for all other forms of homework.)

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I know I've been saying this for awhile, but I AM moving from Blogger to Wordpress and to my own domain. I experienced about a week and a half worth of technical difficulties. I spent all day Saturday creating databases, deleting databbases, "one click" installing Wordpress, uploading Thesis, detecting an error and starting all over again. (Because I don't know how to fix, just delete and restart.) My husband took me out for dinner and asked me how it was going. I said, "The first time I tried to install WordPress and upgrade to a Thesis theme, it took me several days and the help of Betsy to muddle through. Now I can install Wordpress and upgrade Thesis in five minutes. The problem is that I still don't know what I'm doing."

Now if I were mamaontheedge, I'd find a YouTube video of someone dancing. But I'm not, so you'll just have to imagine me dancing. Just got off an 2 hour and 15 minute Internet connection with Martin in Hong Kong. Between GoogleTalk and CoPilot, he was able to talk me through checking my installation and upgrade to Thesis, help me to back up my blog content and system changes weekly, delete all unnecessary files, introduced me to a new FTP site (a whole lot easier than the one I was using), increase the security of my new blog from spam and hackers and import my Blogger files into WordPress. And that was just the major stuff I asked for his help with. He gave me some advice along the way. Martin has an incredible website called Creating An Awesome Home Business with lots of great and easy to understand information on WordPress, Thesis, SEO, etc. I lived on his site and read everything available before I "hired" him to help.

I have to tell you, it was all I could do not to tell him how cute his accent was. I understand he's originally from Zimbabwe. Now he lives and works in Hong Kong. He sounds just like my sister-in-law and nephew from England. I tell you paying for his time and expertise saved me MONTHS of learning the very hard way. (And I know I'm learning, because I already figured out some of the things he was showing me...it only cost me two to three weeks of time and aggravation.) What I love about Martin is that he doesn't do the work, he talks you through it so that you can do it yourself after the Internet call is disconnected.

Update: mama on the edge sent this to me. It's she awesome!

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Post It Notes Tuesday - Short and Sassy

Thank you all for your wonderful comments yesterday. Joshua is so motivated that he wants to post again on my blog. I'm truly blessed to have him as my oldest. 

Okay, it's Post It Note Tuesday, thanks to Supah Mommy. If you want to play, go to her site and find out how. Then be sure to link it up with McLinky.

Here we go...

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Sibling on Asperger's brother

A week or so ago I suggested to Joshua that some of my readers would appreciate some insight as a brother to a sibling with special needs. He laughed at me (in his oh so charming teenage way) as if I said something totally ridiculous. The next day Accidental Expert posted on Autism Sucks Rocks calling on siblings to answer the very questions I told Joshua I'd like him to answer.

Me: Joshua, remember how I told you I probably had readers who would appreciate a guest post from you?

Josh: Yes

Me: Ironically, I just read another blog today in which a mom is calling on siblings to answer some questions. 'Wow, Mom, you are so good. You're now able to predict the ending BEFORE the show even begins.' Why, yes, Joshua, I'm really that good. I predicted a parent might want to hear from a sibling even before I read it in another person's blog. ( Josh and my husband hate watching TV or movies with me. Often I can predict the ending before the beginning credits run.)
Josh: Okay, you'll have something from me before the end of Saturday night.
Me: ?!?!?!
Josh: Just eats dinner as if the sky isn't falling.
Me: What is it going to cost me?
Josh: I figure you've done a lot for me over all these years.
Me: ?!?!?!

* * * * * * * * *

So here we have it. Before the end of Saturday, no less. At least I think, I went to bed at 11:00 p.m. and he was just sitting down to work on it.

"Well let’s see, I have been my brother’s brother for almost 10 years now. Within the last 5 we have known of his autism and it’s only been within the last 3 have I truly come to terms with the differences between us.

            To directly answer the question, I would say the best thing that my parents did that help me become more aware of Jonathan’s special needs was to sit me down and tell me what went on at his doctor appointments. For me it seemed more real to hear the words “The doctor says Jonathan will probably react better to you if…” This helped me realize that my brother’s problems were real and not just a way for my parents to divert attention away from me. Other things that would help are when one or both of my parents did things just for me. They would take me out to eat or to a movie and they would tell me, “We spend a lot of time with your brother’s needs, we love you just the same and we appreciate your patience with the situation.” Not only did this give me the warm fuzzys (no matter how hardcore any kid tries to be they will always melt a bit when you tell them you love them) but it also gave me a sense of duty or a sense that I was helping the situation, everyone likes to help.

            I love my brother, when he was first born I was so excited, I seldom let him out of sight and would always want to hold him or sit with him. As he got older however the meltdowns would occur more and more. I wouldn’t resent the time I spent with him. I’d get kinda frustrated when out of no where he would cry for hours on end because he couldn’t have salsa with his chips. There’s such an age gap between me and my brother though. Whenever he was being unreasonable at least to my standards I felt like I could always do something to entertain myself without him to let him cool down.

            It has made me aware of other disabilities. I can now tell when people have experienced firsthand the disabilities they comment on. You can easily tell when a person comments on disabilities that have never been exposed to people with them. Those are usually the people that make smart or rude comments about people who aren’t normal to their standards. If its one thing I have learned because of my brother’s autism is that there is no standard of normalness in life. Everyone is different, and I have come to the realization that everyone is flawed somehow. For my brother it’s his autism, for me it’s my fear of un-acceptance. As people we should all accept the flaws in one another, I think it will truly keep relationships close and lively. "      

So there you have it, in Joshua's own words. I didn't tell him what he could or couldn't write. Didn't even give him any direction, other than to print off the blog entry from Autism Sucks site. Here is a current picture of Jonathan and Josh:

And some pictures of Josh and Jonathan in the younger years.

You remember these days, when the boxes were better than the gift. This is actually Jonathan's new car seat since Faith would soon be arriving and needing an infant carrier.

Sadly, this was not an unusual picture at this stage. If Joshua was on the ground, Jonathan was sitting on top of him. Joshua learned to be on his stomach if he was on the ground.

This was back in the day when I could easily get the annual Christmas picture. I'm so thankful for digital cameras now so the first dozen pictures of trying to get three children to look at the camera and smile at once...

* * * * * * * * *

In case you were wondering. We got all the way to 4 p.m. Sunday afternoon before Joshua tried to call in a chip for his guest post.

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How To Relieve Anxiety at a Party

Jonathan is a strange "Aspie." (Is that an oxymoron?) He loves people! He may not initiate conversation. He may not respond to someone talking to him. He may not make eye contact or shake a hand. But it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be around people. And LOTS of them. He hasn't figured out that lots of people stress him out. Or maybe he has and has decided that it is worth the pain.

The catch is that he likes LOTS of people at our house. He really doesn't like leaving our house and going to another house...especially if there are dogs there. He knows no matter how much people promise the dog is locked up, the dog will eventually escape and make a beeline to Jonathan. It's never failed in nine years. Fortunately Jonathan's anxiety medication has reduced the fear just enough that we can get him reluctantly into a couple of houses with dogs. But these are only very good family friends and very quiet and tame dogs.

Recently a friend invited about forty people over to their house for a crab feast. The first strike against this evening was it wasn't held at our house. Second strike was a dog. Third strike was the wrong brand of hot dogs for kids who don't like crab. Jonathan started the evening off in a corner with me and another couple with some health issues which make it hard for them to get around or stand for long periods of time. I did not know the couple well, so this was a good opportunity to get to know them better. Their daughter works with lower functioning autistic children so they were great at engaging Jonathan.

However, Jonathan was wanting to leave about 30 minutes after arrival. People were still coming and the crabs were just about steamed. The host brought in a huge bucket of grabs and dumped them on the 12 feet of table set up for the gathering. As soon as those steamed crabs came out of the pot, Jonathan almost lost it. He definitely wanted to leave.

The gentleman we talked to earlier asked Jonathan to draw him a Purple Man comic. The host family found some paper and pencil for Jonathan who immediately put together the following. Let me set it up for you. The first frame has Perfeckto, who is one of Purple Man's sidekicks ("Because Purple Man is so awesome he needs two.") You can always tell Perfeckto in the strips because he's wearing all black, like a Ninja. 

Did you get it? Pefeckto sits down to eat a crab "Yum, yum." The crab is still alive and pinches Perfeckto. Then a series of frames showing the crab getting the best of Perfeckto. The last frame is of Purple Man hiding with a remote control. 

After he drew the comic, he found a few things he liked to eat (cheese and crackers and pickles), and then played with about a dozen kids. He didn't want to leave when it was time to go.

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Jonathan and Faith like Jonathan and David

Scott and I were dating when we decided we'd name a son Jonathan, after the Jonathan of the bible. Although not much is said about Jonathan in the bible, there are a couple of stories in which one can glean Jonathan's loyalty, his courage, his leadership, and his faith. Most people will recognize the infamous story of the friendship between Jonathan and David.

When we first had Faith, we didn't know Jonathan had Asperger's Syndrome; although, we did suspect that something was going on. Of course, as with any additional child, one wonders how the current children are going to talk the news and respond to a new sibling. Two days into our honeymoon we called to check on Joshua, who wanted to know if we "got him a baby brother yet." We laughed and said it didn't work that way. We'd find out shortly that we did in fact conceive Jonathan over our honeymoon. So there was no doubt Joshua was ready for a sibling. 

I really don't recall Jonathan asking too many questions about the pregnancy or his anticipation or anxiety. It wasn't until I was putting together Faith's baby book that I saw Jonathan was in every picture of Faith.

He's looking at Faith in both sets of pictures of grandparents holding their first granddaughter. He's in the picture of me holding Faith, Dad holding Faith and Joshua holding Faith. Little did I know this foreshadowed how protective of her he'd be. (Don't you love how he's holding E.T. like a baby? I have another post in mind for Jonathan and E.T.)

As an infant Faith would cry in the middle of the night to wake us up. If we didn't hear her or move fast enough, Jonathan was at his gate, which blocked his bedroom door, announcing, "Baby crying, baby crying."

One day we were at McDonalds and a stranger turned around in the line to look at infant Faith. Two year old and two foot tall Jonathan stepped in between me and the stranger and barked, "My sister!" The lady was taken aback and not too pleased. I was surprised too by Jonathan's behavior.

Another time when Faith was about 18 months, we were at Joshua's soccer game. At the time Faith was the only girl in our neighborhood of boys. I watched as Faith was surrounded by all the young boys, as if she was a princess holding court. Jonathan, about three and a half years old, ran around the outside of the circle with a stick he wielded like a sword. One of the little boys stood up from his seat and moved towards Faith. Jonathan was instantly inside the circle between the boy and Faith and yelling, "My sister!"

I found out towards the end of her kindergarten year that Jonathan walked her to class everyday, even though it was out of his way to his room.

I appreciate his protective behavior even now. Faith has a friend she plays with down the street. Our house is about 1000 feet off the main road as is her friend's house. I worry about the girls walking back and forth by themselves because neither set of parents can see what is happening on the main street. Someone up to no good could easily snatch the girls and be gone in an instance.

I ask Joshua (5'11 inches and 160 pounds) to go get his sister or to walk her to her friend's house and he'll give me a hard time. I ask Jonathan (4'11 inches and 60 pounds) to make sure Faith arrives safely at either destination, he'll say, "Sure!"

And my regular readers to the blog know how well the play together 95 percent of the time. I like to say, "They are each other's best friends and worst enemies." They are either thick as thieves or at each other's throat. There is no in between.

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Purple Man Amusement Park and Family Recap

First things first. I have some important business to handle. Next weekend (November 21-22), I'm going on a retreat with hubby. I need two guest posts. Would anyone be interested in writing for my blog on Saturday and Sunday? If so, please leave me a comment. I'd like your content by Thursday, November 19th so I can have the post ready to go before I leave Friday. I have followers who are teachers, SLP, in special education, moms of children with special needs, etc. It could be serious, humorous, informative, a review, etc. I have my parents watching my biological children. I need some of my blogging friends to take care of my bloggy baby. It needs more attention than my now self sufficient children!

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First of all, I'm so excited to welcome some new friends and followers! I'm so glad you decided to stay and visit with us. I'm probably shooting myself in the foot by not "making you" read down deep into my blog to find out more about us. However, I like to make my friends and family right at home. To heck with the SEO (search engine optimizer)! Let me introduce our new friends to key players on this blog and remind some of my older friends of the regulars on this blog.

Scott - is my husband. We've only been married a decade. In some ways it is like we've always been together. In other ways it seems like we only just met. He's a much older man. I'm even younger than his baby sister. I like to remind him of this often. He's a cradle robber. He's a retired Naval officer and Aeronautic Engineer. He was close to a full military career when we married. He tried to talk me into being the stay-at-home father while I worked. Let's see, a Masters of Science in Aerospace Engineering with full military career verses a B.A. in Journalism and haven't written for money in twenty years. Do you think I made the right decision to make him be the bread winner?
Josh - My just weeks shy of 17-year-old. He's my pride and joy. He's also the proof that you better be careful what you pray for, you just might get it. I prayed for my polar opposite. I got it. And with you opposite comes a lot of fighting. He's an extrovert to my introvert. He's the 'A' student, star athlete, Rookie of the Year, Middle School Student Athlete and Student of the Year, Freshman student highlighted in the Yearbook, everyone knows and loves....to my 'A/B' student, non-athlete, never recognized for anything or even noticed by anyone high school student. He's gorgeous and thin to my...well, you get my point.
Jonathan - The main character in this blog. He's nine. He received a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome at three and a half years old. Although his vice principal for preschool informed us that he was too young to receive this diagnosis (even though he's consistently received the same diagnosis for the last six years from the school and very expensive private psychologists). He tests in the superior range for non-verbal intelligence. He tests average in the verbal intelligences. I only tell you this because I think it helps to understand why he says and does what he does. (This reminds me, I have a three part series about Jonathan from infant through elementary school over at Intuitive Parenting for Intuitive Kids. Thank you so very much Dr. Caron Goode for the opportunity to write for your scholarly website. I feel honored.)
Faith - Until my baby brother had to "one up" me a month ago, Faith claimed the title of only girl born on both sides of her family in the last 36 years. My side I was the last female born and seven males after me in my generation and seven males in the next generation before Faith. Scott's side he was the only male in his generation but in the next generation there were four males before Faith. And my rotten brother couldn't just let Faith hold the title, but he had to have identical twin girls to overshadow my Faith. The only good thing I have to say is my brother lives in England. So in the words of Josh, "In effect, she's still the only girl, because we'll never see the twins." When Faith was born and the nurse heard she was the first and only girl on both sides of the family, she said, "Her feet won't touch the ground before she's 12." That nurse was almost prophetic. At seven years old Faith doesn't tie her shoes, cut her meat, squeeze her ketchup or carry anything. Not because of me, mind you. She's got Dad, Josh and Jonathan wrapped around her finger.
Jorge - He was our exchange student from Spain. He lived with us from January 3, 2009 until August 6, 2009. He's become part of our family, even though he is now back in Spain with his biological family. We all talk about and miss him everyday still. Not a day goes by that we don't think about or mention him. I often think that this must be what it is like for parents and families who lose a child or sibling. I hear how not a day goes by that they don't think about them. We are so lucky that Jorge is only a phone call, email or Skype connection away still. If you think Jonathan and Faith are funny, you should hear the stuff Jorge comes up with. (By the way, Jorge often found himself cowing to Faith's wishes as well.)
---- Now, I want you to notice and not become confused -- We have Joshua, Jonathan and Jorge. All start with "Jo"....First of all, Jorge is not George. It is "Whore-hey" at least in an American accent. I never could say his name the way it is supposed to be said. It is just not natural to swallow the "h" at the beginning of the name, then spit out the "o" like "taco" and immediately roll the "r." (This is how Jorge tried to teach me how to say his name properly.) Bless, Jorge for being so patient. After a month in the U.S., he just started telling everyone his name the way we Americans would pronounce it.
--Then there is Jo-shua and Jo-nathan. I get them confused all the time. We named Jonathan without really thinking through the implications of how close their names are. Although I guess it doesn't really matter. Scott was always called by the dog's name in his home. It must be part of being a parent...mess up your child's name when you are calling. For some reason, I constantly call Joshua after my brother, Chad. They don't even sound alike, but personality wise...well, that's another story.

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Just for fun, I'm including another Purple Man. This is actually part of Jonathan's grand marketing scheme. It is Purple Man Amusement Park. I hope you can make out all the rides and concession stands. If not, let me know in the comments. Next week I'll show you Jonathan's marketing scheme for Legos. It is a scream. He's designed all his main Purple Man characters for Legos. He shows all four views of his characters, and they look just like Lego people.

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Always a Day Late and $5 Short

With inflation, it can no longer be just a $1 short, can it?

I neglected to post anything about Veteran's Day. How shameful, since I'm a second generation military brat, my brothers were military and I married military man. My two grandfathers were in World Wars. My father in Vietnam and my husband in Dessert Storm. Amazing that all men came back alive and uninjured from wars.

So, here is a picture of Jonathan with his daddy, the day his dad retired from the Navy.

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A couple months ago I wrote this review for a great little booklet for parents of children newly diagnosed with autism. I've spent the last two months "fighting" with the website to publish it. I gave up. I'll publish it here. It is ashame because the other website had more readers. So if you think this booklet is as great as I do, please get the word out. Here is the never been previously published article:

When my husband I walked out of the doctor's office with a diagnosis of "autism" for our middle child, I wish the doctor had handed me something like Same Child, Different Day, a booklet I've recently learned about.  The author Jon R. Gilbert writes on the back cover,  "This booklet was written by the family of a child with autism. It is meant to provide a little insight into what you could expect during the first year after the diagnosis, based on our own experiences. Your results will vary."

My husband and I were driving past past the mailbox on our way to "date night." I made him stop to see if the envelop I'd been waiting for had arrived. I opened it eagerly and read through the table of contents as my husband drove to the restaurant. I laughed out loud and had to start reading the chapter titles to my husband to let him in on the joke. Even though we'd been living with the diagnosis of autism in the family for six years, just the titles brought back memories. 

Gilbert starts each chapter with practical information and ends each chapter with a story from their own family. The first chapter states his purpose. "Over the course of the year following Nolan's diagnosis we encountered many situations where we could have benefited from some simple, fluff-free, honest direction. Circumstances arose (and are still arising) where we could have used some insider information, a simple heads-up or a fair warning." Then he dives right in with Nolan's first haircut. My husband and I laughed until we cried because we could have written the same story. And yes, it would've been great to have some insider information or a heads up BEFORE we entered that situation.

Same Child, Different Day is a great source for information when you are first walking out the doctor's office in shock and don't know where to turn first. Gilbert has a few pages defining soon to be familiar terms and concepts. I even learned some new ones after six years of my own reading and research into autism. He provides some well-respected and acknowledged resources by way of websites, books and mailing addresses. He also gives some insight into the lifestyle changes, the attitudes you'll face in public, the meltdowns the child will have and hints at the toll it starts to take on the family.

I like the booklet because it is factual, neutral and still upbeat. The growing awareness of autism being diagnosed in one out of 150 children has made the subject emotional, political, and sometimes, controversial. I respect the fact Gilbert touches on these areas without making you aware of his own opinions. Because of this, I believe this booklet would be beneficial to have in all medical practices, educational settings and organizations dealing with autism, especially for those families first entering into this new and scary world.

The book is reasonably priced and available for bulk rates. For more information contact Jon Gilbert at his website by the same name Same Child, Different Day.

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Dawn, Rich and Hubby, please skip this section, I'm going to behave unbecomingly as an elder's wife:

Background: I submitted this review to a website which published 10 previous articles. Three times I received an email from the editorial staff telling me how I needed to fix it to meet their guidelines. Three times I fixed my article according to their suggestions. Then I received a fourth "we'd love to run this article after you fix..." email. I withdrew my submission because it wasn't worth the aggravation. Every submission took 10-20 days before I received a response. 

Today: As I'm copying and pasting my review of Jon's booklet into my blog, my Inbox rings to alert me to incoming mail. It is an acceptance email for my first PAID article. Not only that, but I received a response within 24 hours of submission! 

Unbecoming behavior: I'm churning butter and sticking my tongue out at the invisible editorial staff. After about an hour of gloating, Scott says, "It's only $15." Not to be dampened by a wet blanket thrown at me, I respond, "I feel so validated. Someone paid for something I love to do anyway." It's been two decades since I've been paid to write. (I've written for TV news broadcasts, school papers, a small daily paper and finally as a freelance writer for a large metropolitan paper from high school through my early twenties. When I realized my annual salary as a reporter wasn't even as much as my annual tuition for college, I changed careers.)

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Today's blogger award came from Lynn at Midday Escapades. It is called the Superior Scribbler Award. Ever since I saw this award popping up on other blogs, I've coveted it. (Oops, another thing Dawn, Rich and Hubby didn't need to see.) Thanks, Lynn! Here are the rules for this award:

Superior Scribbler Award

1. Each Superior Scribbler I name today must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving bloggy friends.

2. Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.

3. Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog. (I'll do this when I change blogs soon.)

4. Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

I'm forwarding this wonderful award onto Maternal Instincts, To Sleep or Not to Sleep, The Roc Chronicles, Pipecleaner Dreams, and I'm a Pixie Mama.

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More Table Conversations

Jonathan: Teacher said we are going to be learning about electricity and magnets in science. She said it will be shocking. Get it shocking? Hahaha!
Me: Yes I get it.

Jonathan: Megan got burned today during the experiment with a battery, light bulb and wire.

Me: Oh. Is she okay?

Jonathan: I told her she wouldn't have anyone at her funeral. She asked how many were going to be at mine. I said, sadly she'd never find out because she will be dead. And that burned her up. Get it? Burned her up.

Me: Yes. Hum? Have you noticed that you and Megan have been in the same class as each other since Kindergarten?

Jonathan: Yes, so?

Me: Does that mean you're going to get married?

Jonathan: NO! Ugh. I think I lost my appetite.

Me: Do you feel that way about all girls or just Megan?

Jonathan: I like someone.

Me: Really? Who?

Jonathan: You know!

Me: I do?

Jonathan: Yes! Just guess.

Me: Okay. Patty?

Jonathan: Yes, for about two years now.

Me: But she lives on our street. You've known her forever. Isn't she like a sister to you?

Jonathan: No.

Me: 

I'm confused. I had a similar conversation with my older son a number of years ago. We have a neighbor girl who is his age and quite lovely. In fact, I wouldn't mind her parents as in-laws. However, Josh makes a face every time I mention Stacy. "Ooo! That would be like marrying my sister!"

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After dinner last night Jonathan and his sleep over friend, Brent, asked if they could leave the dinner table. I said they could.

Jonathan: Come on Brent we can go play that game.

Brent: Wait, we need to clear our dishes and put them in the sink.

Jonathan: Oh, you've got manners. I've never learned mine.

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I work at my kitchen table on my laptop. (My husband and very good friend have spent hours unsuccessfully trying to find out why I can't connect to the Internet from my office bedroom.) So when I'm working, my children stand by me, read over my shoulder and ask questions.

Faith: That didn't happen in that order.

Me: No, not in that order. But all these things happened. So I took a little creative license and wrote in an order which would be funniest.

Faith: You have a creative license! Is like Josh's driver's license?

Me: No.

Faith: Well, what is it then?

Me: Well a license is a privilege from some authority to allow you to do something. Some licenses require a test or a fee. For example, Josh had to take a test to drive. Doctors, attorneys, CPAs and others have to take tests to be allowed to do their job. But people can just pay a fee for a fishing license or hunting license.

Faith: Do you have to take a test or pay a fee for creative license?

Me: No, a creative license means people can do things to make writing or art more interesting.

Faith: Yippy! That means I can have a creative license!

Me: Yes! Just like you do when you put stickers on my toilet paper holders.

Faith: Smiles smuggly as her head and neck disappear in between her shoulders.

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Me: Josh, I wrote about Thomas today.

Josh: Let me see.

I get up from my computer and let him sit down. He's chuckling as he's reading the post and then the comments. For those of you who commented early, Thomas came on later and left a comment: 

"haha well posted mom. i appreciate the publicity." and on the on my FB wall "hahahahaah well that was quite a story. I actually didn't remember it well until I read that post. keep me updated! that made my day."

Me: Yes, I can be funny.
Josh: You're not funny. Everyone else is funny. You just write what they say.

I feel like Rodney Dangerfield, "I get no respect."

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I received a number of awards this weekend. I decided I would put one at the end of each post this week. The first came from Lynn at Midday Escapades. I don't know about this one... I run a "G" rated site. I'll just keep my  kids off the site a few days. (And Jorge, don't let your parents see this AND don't ask any English speaking people to translate for you!!!! Okay, Jorge? You don't need a Spanish to English translation, trust your American Mom.) But I do appreciate being appreciated. THANK YOU, Lynn!

I Give Good Blog Award

Make a cocktail, pick out some of your favorite bloggers. Send this award to 4 of them. Tell them why you think they give good blog. Well, I'm having my glass of Merlot as I'm thinking about:

• Mama at Mama On The Edge of Autism
• kys at Stir-Fry Awesomeness.
• Alicia (a.k.a. Dr. Mom) at Welcome to My Planet.
• mommy~dearest at The Quirk Factor: Resistance is Futile

All of my award winners are hysterically funny and deserving of this reward. Yeah, ladies, you give good blog.

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Post It Notes - Stuff that needs to come out!

I've had these quips in my head for about a month. It seemed trying the Meme "Post It Notes" from Supah Mommy was a good way to share with you my thoughts.

I'm off to read and comment on blogs and then to search for all the Purple Man comic strips I've saved. (I've obviously put them in a very safe place, because after two days of looking, I still haven't found them.)

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